Tuesday, 2 September 2014

It hurts and it is good.

It's that time again. That time when the laughter and warmth of summer is fading and I look at my children closely.

Before they go and start a new school year and it all changes again...

Every time I look at Isaac lately he is all legs. He is leaner. He feels so big when I cuddle him. At least he still lets cuddle him.

I'm told that soon he will push me away because that's what boys do. I really really hope that is not true. I sometimes whisper to him while he sleeps 'Stop growing so fast' ...

Lucas still looks so small.

I know he is nervous about school. More than Isaac was. He doesn't seem as ready. He is still behind in things.

Will he cry on his first day?

He might.

Will he know where the toilet is? Will he ask to go? Will he know what to do at lunch time? Will someone pick on him?

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe...

I have to trust it will all work itself out. I will put on an excited smile despite that nagging pain in my heart that arrives every September when I realise how much they have grown. And I always knew this September would sting more. My youngest baby at school. Walking around without me all day.

One day they will always be walking around without me. Is that my heart bleeding like an old wound reopened?

Maybe just a little.

It hurts because we love.
That's a good thing.

They will grow up and live big lives. 
That's is good thing.

Two seemingly opposing forces. It hurts and it is good. 

And just look at them?

So we walked to school, I smiled, I squeezed their hands. I kissed their faces and said have a good day... 

It goes well.

I walk home. I'm so glad Lucas didn't cry. I feel strangely okay.

Then I walk back into the empty house and my own voice screams inside my head What the hell do I do now??

Well ain't that the question..?

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